It’s now been just over a week since my surgery; since I got run over by a bus, picked up by the ankles and smacked on the road on my front, and then on my back, and then on my front again, and then put into a bed with 400 blankets, no air, a couple of tubes up my nose, a pump on my right foot, a cannula in my left foot, wondering what Frankenstein’s monster is going to look like (that’s me by the way).
Pain relief required
It’s been quite up and down since, pain wise. Each day feels a bit better, and I can definitely say that different bits hurt.
There’s a certain section of my scar that really hurts that I keep forgetting about until I move and then I scream – very loudly – and remember. I’ve read social media posts from other women that have had mastectomies, double mastectomies, and God knows what else who said that they had a couple of Tylenol (that might indicate they were from America) the first couple of days, and then they were fine.
I put it to you, either Tylenol is way, way stronger than we think it is, or they’re not human. Because I really would not like to accuse somebody of lying about their pain level or lack of it.
Really want more oxygen
I feel a bit coldy as well, which hasn’t really helped and my temperature was still quite high at my outpatient appointment, so was given another week’s worth of antibiotics. Fabulous. Look forward to those side effects.
Blood pressure was high – again, pulse was low – again.
What I really wanted was to be put back on that bed with those oxygen tubes, because, quite frankly, they made me feel amazing.
I haven’t really felt like doing very much, and I keep criticizing myself for that reminding myself that I had major surgery not a papercut.
I’m trying to potter around, but it hurts to bend down, and invariably, as soon as I stand, I drop something, so that’s not great cycle to be in.
I’m also not really up for seeing anybody right now. I’m not trying to hibernate as such, or ignore people, but it’s actually taking a lot longer for me to come to terms with what has happened; with what is happening.
And I don’t even know whether I’m cancer free yet. I know there’s going to be chemo of some kind, because there always is with this type of cancer, so there are still so many unknowns, it’s hard to feel the strength that I think I need to feel. To really fight this head on.
I’m not trying to offend anyone but right now I have to put me first and that means keeping my strength for me.
Sleeping is healing
I have managed to sleep a bit here and there, and sleep is one of the best things for healing – healing the mind and healing the body and healing the spirit. I am, however, a side sleeper so having to sleep on my back slightly sitting up is not great so I’m getting about 4 hours a time before I wake up for some reason, have a wee, take more drugs and settle myself back down. But I know that sleep has really helped.
I am still not able to have a shower. So, a “cat lick” as my mum and daddy would say, is what we are doing right now. I have to be careful because I can’t get any water anywhere near the scars, anywhere near the sterri strips that are keeping it all together, and my hair looks and feels like shit.
The latter is not unexpected but being unable to have a shower or lift my arms up over my head to wash it over the bath, the whole hair wash thing is just not feasible right now. So, I’m looking into treating myself to a salon backwards hair wash, which will hopefully make me feel even better.
Awaiting results
I have also found out found out that I’m not the only person who named their boobs. I cannot tell you how much that made me smile and maybe I’m not as crazy as I first thought. Maybe.
So next stop is results day. Not the “A” level kind which is actually a relief. But the “how big was the fucking tumour in the end and had it spread to my lymph nodes” results.
Each imagery I had showed a different size, 12mm on mammogram, 15mm on ultrasound and 18mm on MRI. Lymph nodes were clear on ultrasound. So whilst you think you can probably hazard a guess, some ladies tumours have doubled and tripled in size between last image and surgery, so it is still an unknown. If there is some evidence of disease in the lymph nodes, even microscopic, then further surgery to remove them will be required.
And the rollercoaster continues, You try be positive but it really is bloody hard.
So, as we navigate this between time, we continue to stick crystals in our bra whilst we pray for clear margins and clear nodes and off to party we shall go!
Well, not party as such, maybe a cheeky oat latte as a treat.
And some Aero.
