As I walked into the hospital I felt positively sick. I was told that I didn’t have to put on a gown to which a replied that was handy, as I had no intention of putting one on!
Going to have your boobs checked is personal, so being made to wait into a combined X-ray waiting room wearing a gown and a robe just screams why you are there.
Cue dressed people looking at you with pity, ordering at which stage of your appointment you are at.
Have you had your mammogram and waiting to find out if your life as you know it over, or has that joy yet to come? Screw you.
So I chose to be a dressed person.
So I could look at robed people with compassion and psychically infuse them with strength and hope.
All whilst colouring in on Happy Colour to take my mind off how frigging long everything was taking.
Eventually it was my turn.
I’m pretty sure I had experienced more mammograms than the radiographer performing it she looked so young.
But she performed well. Had a slight intake of breath when she had to redo Ernie, but she explained it was her fault and I chose to believe her.
Then came the waiting, Jesus Christ.
I’ve decided they need to offer foot massages or something.
Even thinking about it makes me want to puke. I genuinely had heart palpitations and thought I was going to pass out. And then I was called.
I tried to work out from her face what the results were. Was she happy? Was that a look of pity? Turns out she was new and just nervous.
Waiting for the penny to drop
When Kath told me my mammogram was fine, I said thank god, what a relief. But in truth I didn’t feel anything. Not an anti-climax as such, but just nothing.
I wondered if I was waiting for her to say “only joking!”.
She then checked Bert and Ernie and said that Ernie was still swollen (no shit) and have lymphodema. At least I am now being taken seriously and have a referral to the clinic.
So they can tell me the NHS has no funding and they can’t help.
Its bad when your takeaway doesn't cure everything
Or perhaps it’s because in some ways it doesn’t mean anything.
When you can be all clear for 15 years and STILL get breast cancer, does 1 year matter?
Of course it does, but the elation I thought I’d feel hasn’t happened.
Frozen in time
Because in reality, this checkup has been hanging over me for so long that I’ve found it difficult to breathe.
It has clouded my mood and my ability to move on.
It has taken over the majority of my waking thought, almost to the point of having to put on an act in front of friends.
I have felt my mind wander whilst with close friends and then play catch up.
Feeling grateful when Hubby wants to chill and watch House so I don’t have to try and focus on anything in particular.
Feign feeling unwell just so I can be left alone. Because it’s too exhausting to be with people.
To be the woman they expect or want.
Cancer doesn't just stop
Yes my treatment finished months ago but it is only now that I feel able to start healing mentally, emotionally.
If anything, I feel I have crashed.
And I need to work my way back up. To somewhere near normality.
Not too near because who wants that!!
