I can remember the day I met Milly.Â
She started as a temp for law firm and was covering one of our department’s secretary’s maternity leave.
She was a breath of fresh air.
She knew what she was doing, made tea when it was her turn, helped out and really fitted in with our little team.
So much so that when the maternity leave was over, she was kept on.
Odd Couple
She became my work wife if you will.
Sharing desk pods, sharing our dating successes (short conversations) and disasters – much, much longer…
I don’t think she realised how beautiful she was. Getting her to wear anything that wasn’t black was a mammoth task. Not that she didn’t look good, but I often wondered if she was trying to make sure she didn’t stand out.  Â
Her smile lit up the room so that was never going to happen.
Yes we had our squabbles. Our disagreements. What marriage doesn’t?
But we also had our secrets.
She was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant – mainly because I was so impatient, I did the test at work and then couldn’t wait to tell someone! It wasn’t to be unfortunately but the few weeks that I had awful morning sickness, Milly would loudly announce she was starving, or hungover demanding to go to lunch the minute the canteen opened at 11.30am to cover for the fact I needed to eat!
Even when I moved departments, we still met for lunch, moaning about life, work, how fat we were (whilst eating of course). Xmas parties we always went together.Â
It didn’t come as a surprise when she told me she was thinking of leaving our firm. I know she had not been happy there for a while for many reasons, but Saudi came as a surprise. Yet why not? It was an amazing opportunity, and I don’t think I would have been brave enough to do it had I been in her shoes.
And your point?
So why I am telling you this story?
Milly passed away last weekend from stage 4 breast cancer.Â
October is generally known for being Breast Cancer Awareness month, full of pink ribbons and cake, hearts on social media.Â
Whilst personally any awareness is fine with me, sometimes you need the grit.
You will probably already know if you have read any of my other blogs, I had breast cancer in 2004. What is now known as triple negative. I survived.
I also had breast cancer in 2019. Hormone positive. I am surviving.
Milly was diagnosed in 2020. I know she checked herself. I know she checked her underarms too – she was always very self-conscious of her under arms, even having some extra flesh removed some years ago.  And she had mammograms, her latest being March 2019.Â
But she was getting pain in her underarm. That was where she found the first lump, followed by 3 more large and lots of little and it had already spread to lymph nodes. The initial plan of chemo and a mastectomy was scrapped within days when it was discovered the cancer had unfortunately it had already spread to her lungs. So, the plan was drugs, and lots of them. Shut down those hormones and shrink those bastards.Â
She kept saying to me that she was going to die. That she was so scared.
I told her she wasn’t going to die, not for ages, years. Just wasn’t happening. She had Harley Street docs and Saudi docs and was on lots of meds and lots of people live with Stage 4 cancer for 5 years or more, with advances being made all the time.
So why isn’t she here?
Honestly, I don’t know. There are so many variables as to treatment, diagnosis and prognosis that I will never understand.
I gotta be honest, I do survivor’s guilt. She has been in my thoughts and dreams ever since I got the news.
But I also have renewed empowerment. My will to keep surviving and thriving.
Because any form of cancer is terrible. Even the good cancer (oh yes, people do say that..).Â
And it reaffirms that you really do have to be on the ball, or boob, when it comes to checking yourself out. The only person who knows your body really is you.
Dense breasts may keep their shape longer, but they also can hide a multitude of sins.  It’s the main reason why my first diagnosis took a while to get to the bottom. You could feel my lump, but you just couldn’t see it on the mammogram.Â
In less than a year, Milly had gone from a totally clear mammogram and fine to Stage 4. Â In less than a week her life was torn upside down.
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I appreciate that this is not an isolated or unique story. But it’s one that means a lot to me, and I am hoping that sharing it persuades someone to go get that slight ache checked out.Â
To see whether your nipple has changed shape slightly or whether you are going mad.Â
Is one now bigger than the other?Â
I cannot do anything to change what happened to Milly and that breaks my heart. I genuinely thought she would be around for much, much longer. Â
Which shows that you never know what it is in store, so get health stuff checked out and live your life to the fullest. Every day.Â
And if you are wondering, Milly wasn’t her real name but who she will always be to me.Â
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