A memory came up on Facebook today: a Wonder Woman meme and about being a mindset.
It took a minute to be honest, for me to remember what that was all about.
And then it hit me lake a cold flannel across the face.
3 years ago I found out I had breast cancer for the second time.
Not really something you expect to forget.
January Sucks
I think subconsciously I remembered. I’ve been feely quite on edge the last few days not really knowing why.
I totally accept that it could be due to the Full Moon or Mercury in Retrograde but it could also be because it’s that time of year. Again.
Boob Squishing Time
Don’t get me wrong, getting to this time of year is a celebratory achievement as it means I’m still alive.
However, it also means it’s time to go back and see my Consultant and my annual mammogram.
This time it will be a different consultant as mine no longer does private practice. And before you think I’m a rich bitch that can afford private health cover, it’s a work perk.
And the NHS wasn’t bothered about me the first time around. So there is that.
I know that having a mammogram is a good thing, especially at my age (less dense breasts and all that) but it makes me feel nauseous.
It doesn’t hurt (honest) but I find myself watching the radiographer trying to interpret every little facial expression and eye movement like I’m some sort of human lie detector.
And then there is the new guy. I’m sure he is very nice but it’s yet another person feeling my boobs for free. (Not that I have actually charged anyone but if I had, id be loaded!)
I got into a routine with Kath. I felt safe with her, trusted her to tell me the truth but in a way that wasn’t sugar-coated or harsh.
I feel like I’m starting another relationship again. And I don’t know if I can be arsed.
Light at the end of the Tunnel?
But I have at least another 2 years, possibly 7, depending on how long I have to stay on the hormone blockers.
It feels like a dark cloud over my life, one that was getting quite sunny and warm.
It wont be there forever. I won’t let it. But today I’m going to let it be. It is what it is.
There may be some gin in my future, and that’s okay.
There will also be some self-care, some reiki, some The Witcher binge-watching, possibly some cake (if I can find any that is gluten, dairy, egg, and all things nice free!)
The rollercoaster changes. The lows become less and not as dramatic; the highs become more but not too high cos that’s a little scary. I am complete rubbish when it comes to any kind of fairground ride, or heights, or small spaces. So you see the problem…
Its okay
We are all allowed those moments, times when we acknowledge that life didn’t go according to plan. Times to perhaps grieve our losses; the obvious ones and the ones that no one else knows about.
But when the fog lifts, we are left with one fact.
Ta Da!
I survived Cancer again.
And I am going to keep on surviving.
Woo hoo!
And I am going to celebrate.
I am going to honour my journey and all its parts.
I am going to acknowledge my achievements.
I am going to revel in those gains, especially the ones I may not otherwise have had.
Did I already mention gin?
Not alone
I am also lucky to have so many people that give a dam, that support me even when I’m moody and doing my Greta Garbo impersonation, hold on to me during the lows, and help me reach those highs.
You know who you are.
To us – Cheers!
