Today has been mostly about lying in the sun and finding anything distracting to do whilst doing so.
I have made several appointments then cancelled them.
Played games. Read two books.
And had some fruity red liquid…
I haven’t found anything that’s really brought me joy.
It all feels a bit meaningless.
Irrelevant.
Only a few more days and I have to make a decision. A proper big decision. Not whether to have Indian or Chinese, which I have to admit for me is not an easy choice at the best of times…
Do I want to end my chance of being a stripper once and for all and have a mastectomy or take a chance and just have the bugger removed?
I’ve read so much literature over the last week my head is spinning. None of them really come to a definite conclusion.
Some women with early breast cancer, or DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ – no spread) are having double mastectomies. Some have lumpectomies. The former doesn’t completely get rid of all breast tissue (and therefore there is still a possibility of breast cancer in the future) so why do it?
Why not?
Did I make the wrong decision first time round? Last time I was single with no boyfriend in sight. The thought of trying to date feeling that I wasn’t a complete woman, filled me with horror.
A ridiculous thought as I look back on it, but then it was a primary concern. And I’m pretty sure there are scummy people out there who have dumped their partners for that very reason.
This time I’m married and my vanity concern means less. Don’t get me wrong, I would still freak at losing my hair!
And I know he will love me regardless of what I choose.
But will I still love me?
Will I still be me?
Either choice changes me.
Another layer removed or added, whichever way you look at it.
As it happened, I had to make my decision sooner than expected as my consultant called out of the blue. Wanted to start getting people lined up. Understandable of course.
I had given it a considerable amount of thought, swinging from one decision to the other and back again. But when push came to shove I went for breast conservation surgery. Lumpectomy to me and you.
I just couldn’t say goodbye to my boobie knowing it wasn’t absolutely “necessary”.
Maybe. deep down I am just vain – worried about where I would put my tassels.
But I know it’s the right choice for me right now.
Now we just wait for a date.
