So obviously this was not my plan for 2020.
This year I was supposed to be getting my life back, having a few holidays in the sun, returning to work, being normal.
But no. No.
Now I have to be frank, a lot of what I am going through now was me this time last year. Staying in bed, watching TV, posting on FB, eating. Drinking wine. But there are fundamental and important differences.
disappearing sanity
Last year, I had a teenager who went to school and a husband who went to work.
I had hours of peace and alone time. I could watch what I wanted without worrying whether it was suitable for anyone else, eat chocolate bars in secret, and have a bath in the middle of the day with the door open. I could walk around naked if I wanted. Not that I did, I hasten to add.
Now they are here. ALL THE TIME. It is driving me insane.
did i mention all the time?
Now when I stay in bed I feel like I’m hiding. The chocolate is monitored. Clothing is required. And I can only watch wholesome dramas.
They are there. ALL THE TIME.
Now I know I’m not alone in this predicament. I also know that this is for our own good.
But still. It’s hard. Right now I can hear the dulcet tones of Touch of Frost. This is interspersed with Bargain Hunt and New Tricks.
The teenager is at the kitchen table watching YouTube videos. Learning how to be a ninja warrior, sneaking around scaring the life out of me.
The cats aren’t happy either. Their favourite sleep spots taken over by humans. You can almost hear them thinking ‘why aren’t they leaving??’
Today I washed my hair.
I feel quite proud.
It’s not because I still have difficulty washing it physically, but more because I really can’t be arsed.
Everyday I wonder what is the point? It takes so long to wash and dry and for what? Skanky right?? I know… I know….
new symptoms required
I’ve started inputting my symptoms daily on the Covid 19 app.
I have noticed that each day a new question seems to appear.
Still waiting for the one that says “Do you think your mild fatigue, headaches and skipping meals is because you’re a lazy bitch?” Yes or No.
There is a part of me that wishes that this virus was more serious in its visual symptoms, as well, of course, not killing anyone. I’m pretty sure that if people thought they may develop puss filled spots on their face, they would think twice about going to the park with their kids to meet their friends.
Perhaps they wouldn’t go round to their mates house for a party if they thought their dick might fall off.
where did the common sense go?
There is clearly a lack of common sense in this world, for there to have to be a Government imposed lockdown for people to do what is necessary.
And that is really sad. That there are some out there who think they are better than the rest, that they really don’t give a crap about anyone other than themselves. Resisting the advice given because obviously they know better. And it doesn’t suit them.
google is my new doctor
Already so far my health appointments have stopped.
I can’t see my oncologist until this is over, with the current suggestion of late June/early July.
Nor can I visit my Lymphodema Clinic for check ups and garments, my March appointment cancelled until further notice.
I can’t see my Lymphodema therapist for manual lymphatic drainage.
Scar therapy so help soften and loosen my lumpectomy scar is off the cards.
I can’t see my GP. But I can talk to her.
Right now, none of those is a huge issue, but they could become so.
My GP has signed me off until end of May.
Classed as vulnerable but not vulnerable enough.
I can feel the fluid building up in my arm and chest. But I can cope with that. For now.
Also, I can’t get my hair done. Okay fine, it’s technically not a health issue but it would make me feel better!!!
My anxiety however, is a health issue. And something growing exponentially like a triffid.
Heightening my awareness of every ache and pain and weird feeling, and then jumping to conclusions but resisting the urge to have Google diagnose me with any number of serious and fatal illnesses just from stubbing my toe.
And so it continues.
And it’s fine really. It could be so much worse. We are healthy. Ish.
We haven’t killed each other. Yet.
Please still check your breasts!
And regardless of all that is going on in the world, please do still check your boobs.
Or anything else that is concerning.
To hear that cancer diagnoses have dropped considerably since lockdown is not because of a miracle cure. It’s because of lack of instant access and fear.
Fear of what it might be as well as fear of catching the virus. All Understandable.
I feel the same. But I also know that if push came to shove, I’d bang down the door and plop my boobs into that mammogram machine myself!
also I really need my hair done...
So stay safe, and look after yourselves as well as each other.
