Cancer is a bloody scary thing. All of it. Any diagnosis rocks your world completely and the journey can be horrendous.
But one of the difficult issues most patients have to contend with is waiting. Whilst there are many tests such as mammogram and ultrasound that you can get an immediate report from, especially at the initial stages, there are others that require the waiting game whether it be days or weeks.
And with this game comes such additional treats such as anxiety, nausea, headaches, uncontrollable crying (but only for a few seconds at a time), and, in my case, the ability to inhale a large bar of galaxy in seconds.
Scanixiety is real.
And it’s here.
Not the kind of CAT Scan I was hoping for but less painful!
For me so far, the worst part has been the CT scan—the waiting to have the scan and then the waiting for the results. I have not been sleeping well (shock horror), as I go through every potential scenario in my mind every time I close my eyes. And sometimes even when I don’t. I can be tired as anything, but my mind just won’t let me rest.
The CT itself was painless. I didn’t have to undress or take off any jewellery. Just lie there. Oh, with the wee inducing contrast dye in my arm again. The hardest part was having to hold my breath for 10 seconds each time it took a photo, but thankfully the scanner had two little faces- one holding its breath and one breathing – and a countdown timer just in case you wanted to hold your breath for longer…
I admit to feeling woozy and faint afterwards, but they make you wait for 20 minutes or so before you can leave, just to make sure you don’t have an adverse reaction. I also got offered a bottle of water. I’m still astounded by that little gem.
And still we wait
And then we are back to the waiting. I have genuinely not been as shit scared in my life. Yes, I had exactly the same CT scan following the other two diagnoses, but I don’t remember feeling this distressed. I went from feeling strong and I totally got this, to believing that my body is swarming with cancer and that I am going to die. And a few other scenarios in between.
That fear has been overwhelming. I’ve thought about what I wanted to do if this was “it”, move to a house in the country and surround myself with animals, the places I definitely still wanted to visit and those that only made the B list. And what my husband would do, my son, my dog…. Mainly my dog to be fair.
However much I tried to calm myself down and rationalise that my lymph nodes were clear on ultrasound, I had a gynae scan last year, a chest x-ray a few months before the that etc etc, and that the consultant had said that there was no reason to suspect the scan to be anything but clear, my mind still went there. Afterall, wasn’t this just scar tissue? Yep.
So, my faith was anything but strong, but the fear and worry was already spiralling out of control 3 days after the scan and apparently the report could take 2 -3 weeks. I was not going to make it.
I had a further appointment at the breast clinic to find out what receptor, if any, my tumour was this time. Was it because my body produced too many fricking hormones despite being on an hormone blocker, or was I just unlucky. And what other joy awaited me following that reveal. Unfortunately, they still did not have the results BUT they did have the CT scan results which were clear.
Clear.
No other abnormalities found.
No metastatic disease.
Back to uncontrollable crying for about 10 seconds. I’m not sure if I think if I cry longer, I won’t stop but it’s getting a bit weird now…
"Stark, we need a plan of attack! - I have a plan. Attack". The Avengers 2012
And we have the beginning of a plan. Further genetic testing to see if there is a reason, I have now had three different types of breast cancer or whether I’m just unlucky. Given my inability to win the lottery it could be the latter.
Or maybe someone has some of my hair and has made a voodoo doll out of it. If so, please stop. My head hurts.
And I’m looking at a mastectomy to get rid of the bloody thing. As yet we do not whether Ernie will be reconstructed. I’m feeling quite calm about the surgery. I’m such a sex goddess I could totally rock whatever happens although there are definitely some outfits I wouldn’t be able to wear again which is a shame. For the world.
And so, we wait. Again.
But I feel in a slightly better place right now so will make the most of that. But there will probably still be chocolate and cat cuddles. But hopefully no more cat scans.
