There were many things I was prepared for following surgery, however being an emotional wreck wasn’t one of them. At least not this emotion.
Coming round in recovery my first thought was of my mum. It hit me like a tsunami, engulfing every inch on my being.
I wanted my mum. I needed my mum. And I cried. To be honest, this thought has not left my mind since and I’m finding it hard to deal with.
I’m 50 years old but right now I feel like I’m back in school.
But I can’t have my mum.
Because she died nearly 25 years ago.
And today it hurts like it was yesterday.
I know that the rawness will pass in a few days. But it’s made me realise once again the many things I did not get to share with her. The good and the bad. The things I didn’t tell her, didn’t get a chance, didn’t even get to say goodbye.
I wish she was here to make it all better. I’m pretty sure her kiss was a miracle cure. At least that how I remember it.
But instead all I have right now is paracetamol.
So, today has mostly been about sleeping. I did not know that it was possible to sleep so much.
But in the hours of wake-ness (just made a new word there) I have found myself reflecting, going over my first diagnosis and comparing the two.
There are obviously many differences but one glaring similarity.
Neither mass was seen on mammogram.
If that had been the only test, I may not be here.
A bit of history
My GP referred me for a routine only mammogram in January 2004 as he was convinced it was nothing. I had found the lump in October 2003 but did the usual waiting to see if it was cycle related etc before doing anything about it. In April 2004, I received a letter from the NHS advising me their books were full, but would be re opening their books in July and would send me an appointment then.
Yep. You read right. My routine mammogram would take at least 6 months. Probably longer. Thank god some things have improved.
So I decided to use my work health insurance and went private at the end of April. Mr R didn’t think it was anything either but thought it would be useful to get a mammogram done for reference purposes in the future….oh how we laughed.
So I go back for my mammogram. All clear! Yay!!!!!
Because I was private my insurance also covered ultrasound so I had one of those too. Not so yay…
Lots of mumbling, couple of biopsies, then a core biopsy (big hollow needle).
Now I was a 34 year old woman, on her own, whose consultant had told her it was nothing. Bear that in mind.
I then heard myself say, with a bit of a giggle, “So what do you think then?” Expecting the usual we can’t tell you yet etc… but no.
“Oh it’s definitely cancer. In fact I’m so sure it’s cancer that if the biopsies come back negative I’m going to demand a re test. “
I will never ever forgot those words. And I will always hate him for not giving a shit. For not making sure I hadn’t driven myself before turning my life upside down before he went off for lunch. For not caring enough. I never went to another appointment alone again (ish).
More about Episode 1: Boob Wars later.
Back to now...
But then I got complacent. I went for my check-up in January this year, thought I’d felt something but wasn’t really concerned.
At that appointment I was told my mammogram was all fine. Yay!!!!
I was just about to leave when my consultant Ms K (new) decided to examine me. She was curious about a lump. “Oh that? That’s been there for ages, it’s a cyst. “ I said. “Let’s check it anyway” she said.
So off I go for an ultrasound. I have mixed feelings. I don’t like them because they show everything. But I like them because well, they show everything.
Ms K came in. She and radiologist huddled in one corner. “They’re just checking the scans against last year’s” said the nurse. No they weren’t. Well maybe a little. But I knew it was more. I felt sick, I wanted to cry. I’d also lied and told friends that Hubby was taking me but once again I was alone. I don’t know why I did that.
“It’s changed. But we don’t know why.” Oh great. And so a biopsy was taken. A core biopsy. Of course. “ But we aren’t worried” they both said.
I was.
And then…. well the rest is still unfolding..
The thing I had gone for turned out to be breast thickening. Normal and harmless.
If it hadn’t felt something, I would have put off my appointment.
Fate. Destiny. Guardian Angel. Intuition. Whatever you want to call it. Something made sure I would go.
What I’ve learnt is, don’t take anything for granted. Don’t put all your faith in scans, as amazing as they are. Listen to your gut, watch your body, feel your body. Take note. Download an app. Draw diagrams in your diary. Voice your concerns.
Differences and similarities. It’s all the same in the end.
